The Journal of embraceachicken.
AKA My Name is Dr. Brown 04-08-06 00:03
I am their marriage counselor.

I have always been their marriage counselor.

The funny thing is, it used to be okay. Depsite the fact that I used to get shunted to the side occasionally, I always had them collectively when I needed them. I didn't even have to raise my voice, we'd just lie in this massive heap and talk about our feelings like one happily dysfunctional family.

They started dating again as we drove back from Lincoln City. I was breaking rules driving back. For one thing, mom had specifically told me that I was not to drive with Daniel under any circumstances, seeing as his seventeen year old brain has an underdeveloped frontal lobe (just like the rest of us, kids). The second thing was that I was completely shitfaced.

In Lincoln City I was drunk twice, and both times I did disgusting things that I can't forgive myself for, putting me off from Red Rum for another few months, before boredom sets in and I decide to damage my frontal lobe further with depressants.

I guess it was just because I was with my closest friends, people I knew, and I wouldn't be swimming across the lake or anything. So I had massive amounts of the stuff, and I wouldn't stop. There's actually a rather crude videotape of the three of us (taped by Megan's thirteen year old sister, Caili) of our speech gradually slurring further, their love growing more prominent, and my melodramatic insecurities hitting full force.

That night I didn't remember any details until they were related to me by a giggling Caili and my jeering, hungover comrades.

Of course I was embarrased. Of course I am embarrased with my actions. I might relate them to you at a different time, but I've severely digressed from my point.

I did it a second time. The evening we were supposed to leave. This time I was more controlled. I had less, I prepared myself mentally for it, and there were many good laughs, much good bonding. I left the room for a bit, came back, and the two of them had gone into a seperate room to kanoodle and that was the beginning of a deteriorating friendship.

One of those collective friendships. It used to be like communism. Even though they were always getting it on in one way or another, everything was collective. For the first time since she and Daniel broke up and they stopped talking (we were a trifecta then, even) we started talking again collectively. We first went to Sushiland collectively. We first listned to Blind Melon collectively. We even first made out collectively (a very interesting experience, and unfortunately, the last people I made out with... I find myself torn).

My choices, then, haven't been very wise. But I regret nothing.

Save the drive home, which I got grounded for because I wasn't supposed to be driving home with Daniel in the first place (nevermind that we were just coming too from drunken paradise).

MY POINT IS:

In the car. They started dating again. And ever since then, things have been different. There is no we. There's just them and me. The quieter me. The silent me. The cut off me. The me whose words and actions go ignored as two who finally find themselves in total, complete, utter, blissful love enjoy each other. I always believed in true love, and all my life I have waited for it excitedly and apprehensively.

I just never imagined myself at this end of it.

(This is the part where you see a diagram of me on a rug, and the rug is pulled out from underneath my feet and I fall in very comical fashion, ending on the floor with my eyes in x's and my tongue lolling out.)

Worst of all is the way Daniel has become so overly protective of his time with her. I can't tickle them or wrestle with them the way I used to because then he looks at me angrily if I hit to hard and says things like "You always fuck everything up." It's like having an overly abusive parent or something, and it doesn't exactly do wonders for my self esteem. But Daniel loves me, I know that. He hasn't been like this to me before, ever. He's been a devoted brother, the best friend I could ever ask for. And now he's... a completely different person.

I can't complain to Megan about it anymore. I could have if they weren't dating, but now that would be the rupture of a taboo. And I can't spend time with her to strengthen our friendship because it's all with him now.

And my friendship with him is crumbling into itty bitty Megan pieces. I feel like I'm losing myself to my best friend. The worst part is, she doesn't even know it. I'm losing my identity and thought and will because of her. Like this, for example. She talks for me, or more than me, or cuts me off and interrupts me, or talks louder than I do. Especially during class presentations. Standing there next to her makes me feel like a muted little sister, shuffling her feet and murmuring to herself "Well, she's older and smarter." I'm not speaking in terms of intelligence, just in terms of the way she appears more intellegent simply because she is far more assertive.

And then she looks up at me with her sly, confiding smile and we share a silent thought from across the room, and I remember that she loves me more than anyone else does. And I feel stupid for ever being annoyed with her enthusiasm.

I wish I had rehearsal all day instead of this sentimental shit.
I post to tell you that I will be out of town until Saturday evening, as the joys of a riverside cabin and two amazing amigos doth call me from upper-middle-class suberbia.

If only I were whiter, that way, if we go skinny dipping, I would glow in the dark.

I've always wanted to glow in the dark.

I went camping about a year ago with the then √úberorchestra, and Duncan and Spencer were trying to hide from Aubrey and me in a bush. I found them, though, much to their surprise. Duncan's arm was reflecting the pale synthetic moonlight of a pepsi machine.

That tells you three things.

1. Brown people are officially better at hiding and therefore superior in terms of natural selection.

2. We weren't really camping if there was a coke machine near by.

3. I have an extremely short attention span.

So cheers, my new and old friends. Enjoy your Spring Break...

WHILE YOU CAN.

*Cue dramatic exit with cape*

P.S....

Watch V for Vendetta....

Do it.

Now.
What Brings Me to Elowel? 03-29-06 09:47
I have a funny story to tell you all, and it's about Elowel. It's about you, it's about me, but it's definitely not about some pop song that was very slow in dying and can still occasionally be heard on the radio.

Many, many years ago (two or three) I was a weee lass in middle school, struggling to find myself and express that individuality, probably as much as you fine people were, if you are familiar with the struggle. But, being the person that I truly am and middle school being the pit of narcissism and conformity that it truly is is, I was doomed to fail.

Seriously, how was I supposed to measure up to the silver-spooned egos floating around with their little Chanel bags and jock mentalities?

Eh.

I met Chelsi Carroll in middle school, kids. And I remember the exact moment I started talking to her.

First of all, remember Mr. Brown, the science teacher? Remember the first couple months of class were held in the wrestling area above the locker rooms? Remember the heat, and the pungent smell of sweat? And remember how we were supposed to learn in there?

We were talking about trees. And she raised her hand, and started talking about how they talked to each other.

And, since this was so early in the year and before the concept of middle school conformity ever got to my head, I was genuinely interested. After class, we walked to (somelongforgottenperiod) and I walked up to her. And I said something along the lines of "Hithatwasreallycoolmyname'sMichellewhat'syoursletsbefriends." Thus, a friendship was born, deep out of the bowels of ACMS. A friendship that I was destined one day to shatter into pieces with the middle school conformity that did eventually get to me.

There's not much I remember middle school. I've been fortunate enough to block out the majority of it, save orchestra and ACCORD field trips... And Chelsi.

Shortly thereafter she became my friend, and I hers, and she trusted me with everything, I trusted her. It was as if there had been some sort of unspoken pact, and we both had each other. We shared our love of Lord of the Rings, of the supernatural, of late night sleepovers with a spinning Legolas, massive amounts of sprite, hershey's kisses, and the enclosed pixelated zoo animals.

(I remember all of it because you were the best friend I had.)

She was so selfless too, so eager to listen to me, and she was so interesting and lively and amusing and insightful.

And then I... I met Erin and Megan.

And most of you should know Erin and Megan.

Then I got depressed.

And then I completely disregarded that Chelsi existed.

But I never forget every time I blew you off, Chels. I let myself forget, for a while. I let myself forget everything about that place. But about a few weeks ago I started having dreams about you, and then my old insomnia started kicking in because I was racked with such terrible guilt.

I tried to call you once, over the summer. I phone your phone number in my disorganized desk drawer September of 2004, when I moved to Beaverton. The number was disconnected.

I asked for your e-mail address from someone, it didn't work.

(This is the part where Beaverton changes me and I grow up a lot, so we'll skip that and fast forward three-hundred years. Or two.)

I never talk about my old life here. I'm glad of it. I'm glad to be rid of it. But it doesn't feel right not to be talking to you. Time is a precious thing, Chels. I could have been friends with you all through eighth grade, but I had a lot of things to learn about myself. You don't deserve some insecure bully, because I was that, remember? You deserve someone far more sure of themselves, more eloquent, and thankful.

I'm more of that person now than I ever was, and I missed you.

And, call me crazy, I have a funny feeling you were calling me. I don't know how. But I think you were.

So... that's why I'm on elowel. I'm really a dedicated Blogger. I just wanted to find Chelsi.
Hello, 03-28-06 12:15
My name is embraceachicken. I'm new to elowel.